Blossom.

I have realized tonight that the time has come for me to truly put the past behind me, and to stop trying to bring it back. I wanted to keep holding on to you, and our memories but the longer i hold on, the more my heart breaks. I took the first step, by destroying all the physical memories that were left lying around in my room. The second step was expressing my true feelings to you, and coming to peace verbally about the situation. But now, what is left, are my thoughts and memories which are continuing to strangle my mind.

I say one thing, but then feel the opposite. It's time that i truly start to take action on the things i have said to you. At this stage of my life, when it comes down to the last straw, the only person who can make the decisions of life for me is, myself. Me. It's time for me to take this thing that we once had, full circle. Unlock my heart, gather up all the memories it holds... the ones that i just can't seem to let go. And finally, set them free. Set me free, and bring my mind to ease.

There is nothing more i can do. And i know that. But now it is time, to show it. It's time for me to blossom from my bud, and grow into a beautiful flower. Nothing more to hold me back.


And i know that someday, i will find what i'm looking for.

Unthought out thoughts.

I'm sitting here at work waiting for the campers to be done dinner so that i can sweep the dining hall and get out of here. I began reminising about my day and thinking about all the conversations which i had with people and i realized something. I realized that a lot of the things i say, i say without thinking over first. I am sure that everyone can relate to what I call these moments which are unthought out thoughts.

There is always a better way i could have worded something or something that i just regret saying all together. But it's out there, and there is no getting it back. I try to cover it up with something else sometimes but the idea is already there, lodged into the other persons head. And i'm left sitting here, feeling like a fool.

All it takes is those few extra moments or even seconds, to digest what has been said.. and then respond with a well thought out answer. Saving me from this feeling of regret.

Numb.

My heart racing, my tears flowing, and my mind is pounding; with empty thoughts, broken promises and tired emotions. My body has turned numb to the world.

Piece of hope.

Last night i fell asleep to the sound of the rain hitting the roof outside my window. I began to imagine them as millions of tears being shed that night, from teenage girls all over the world because of that one boy that they just can't get off their mind. Whether it have been after a breakup, a fight or maybe cause you just plain miss them... as much as a boy asks a girl not to ever cry over them, we will. A boy once told me that he would never make me cry because he would never hurt me. He kept his end of the bargain by never hurting me... but i cried over him many times, because i hurt for him, and letting go of someone when you know it's for the best even if they still love you... That is harder than any casual, 'we're over.' But the reason why i cried over that boy, was because he was worth it. We are humans, we were mad to cry as a way of expressing ourselves and being able to feel different emotions. Sometimes crying can be a reminder that your still alive in a time when you feel dead.

Just like in a storm, the thunder and darkness sometimes make us feel like there is no end to this dreary day. But as the rain stops, there is a sense of peace that covers the earth. The sun shines brighter and the birds sing louder. This is the same pattern that happens once we have cried a river of tears.


You have a sigh of relief and a piece of hope that fills you once all those tears have been let go. Sometimes it take more than one breakdown to find this hope, but it slowly shines it's way through, the same way the sun peeks through the clouds on a rainy day. Sometimes God will even throw us a rainbow to make us smile... Or maybe that cute boy that just moved in next door :)

Always attract.

if it hurts this much,
then it must be love,
and its a lottery,
i can't wait to draw your name.

oh i'm trying to get to you,
but time isn't on my side,
the truth's the worst i could do,
and i guess that i have lied.

keeping me awake,
it's been like this now for days,
my heart is out at sea,
my head all over the place,
i'm loosing sense of time,
and everything tastes the same,
i'll be home in a day,
i fear thats a month to late.

that night i slept,
on your side of the bed so,
it was ready when you got home,
we're like knots and crosses
in that opposites always attract.

you've taken me to the top,
and let me fall back south
you've had me at the top of the pile,
and then had me kissing the ground
we've heard and seen it all,
no ones talked us out,
the problems that have come
haven't yet torn us down.

Am I keeping you awake,
if i am then just say,
you can make your own decisions;
you can make your own mistakes,
i'll live and let die all the promises you made,
but if you lie another time,
it'll be a lie thats to late.

You always have your way,
for now it to soon for you to say,
we will be always always.
- you me at six.

I have never had my mind feel so full as my heart feels so empty. I sat here staring at my computer screen minute after minute, my mind racing. This is all I came up with.

So now, at 6:56 on a Thursday night, I am going to go to sleep. Because the only way to drown out these voices in my head, is to escape to a place where dreams take over reality, and you dont have control of your thoughts anymore.