Day One.

This is the beginning of my blogging journey as I visit my second family in Nanimo, BC. I just fleew a 5 hour flight from Toronto and now am sitting in the Vancouver airport waiting for my next plane to come. Its 9 pm here and I am exhausted! I am so very thankful right now for Starbucks, as it is the only thing that is keeping me from passing out.

This was the first time I ever flew by myself and it was long and boringggg. Not only that, it was the first time I ever used the washroom on a plane. Yup, I have flown half a dozen times but never used the washroom until now.

Anyways, pointless post. But im bored and tired, trying to pass some time.
I will update again tomorrow!

Thankful.

I have been thinking a lot this week about life, and what the future holds for me. Comparing my life with that of my friends, and thinking how much better off they are then me. How their parents still love each other, finances never really seem to be an issue, and everything in life just seems to fall into place for them. While I sit here, broken, and lacking many things that would make my life better. Maybe a boyfriend, a better job, a vacation... anything to take away this lonely feeling that makes me feel like hiding. Being someone who just blends into the background and never tries to make a statement.


But today I took a moment to really think about everything that is going on around me. And the truth is, I have it pretty easy. I remembered that a family can still be broken with a perfect marriage, a boyfriend can do more hurt then love, and even millionaires still feel incomplete. I realized that what I am truly lacking in my life is love. But not the physical kind that you feel in your lovers kiss, or your mothers arms. No, the love that you cant see and always seem to forget is there. The fathers love.

So on this friday night, of our thanksgiving long weekend... Im being thankful. For the broken life I have, the blank slate that lies ahead of me and for the love of God, how even at my lowest of lows... he doesnt give up on me. With simple revelations like this, he is building me up to be the person I am suppose to be, in order to live out his plan for my life.

Life.

Im somewhere between happy and a total fucking wreck and just when i thought i was as low as i could get, my fucking fish decides to die on me. Thanks for that.

Wasted days.

You make me so god damn miserable it's unbelievable.
I sit here, wasting away my days because I cant think of anything to do.
I scream, I cry, I attempt to rip my hair out.
Yet nothing ever gets any better.
How long is it going to take for the memory of you, to leave me alone !?
At this rate it will probably be forever.

Why wont you just let me be free from you ?

Temporary.

I dont know how to explain this feeling that i have, this mood that i am in. I get this way sometimes, actually, often. It's just like an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. And it is always so hard for me to get past this feeling. I never know what to do about it, so i normally just sleep it off. I try to keep my head held high because really i hope that ...

Blossom.

I have realized tonight that the time has come for me to truly put the past behind me, and to stop trying to bring it back. I wanted to keep holding on to you, and our memories but the longer i hold on, the more my heart breaks. I took the first step, by destroying all the physical memories that were left lying around in my room. The second step was expressing my true feelings to you, and coming to peace verbally about the situation. But now, what is left, are my thoughts and memories which are continuing to strangle my mind.

I say one thing, but then feel the opposite. It's time that i truly start to take action on the things i have said to you. At this stage of my life, when it comes down to the last straw, the only person who can make the decisions of life for me is, myself. Me. It's time for me to take this thing that we once had, full circle. Unlock my heart, gather up all the memories it holds... the ones that i just can't seem to let go. And finally, set them free. Set me free, and bring my mind to ease.

There is nothing more i can do. And i know that. But now it is time, to show it. It's time for me to blossom from my bud, and grow into a beautiful flower. Nothing more to hold me back.


And i know that someday, i will find what i'm looking for.

Unthought out thoughts.

I'm sitting here at work waiting for the campers to be done dinner so that i can sweep the dining hall and get out of here. I began reminising about my day and thinking about all the conversations which i had with people and i realized something. I realized that a lot of the things i say, i say without thinking over first. I am sure that everyone can relate to what I call these moments which are unthought out thoughts.

There is always a better way i could have worded something or something that i just regret saying all together. But it's out there, and there is no getting it back. I try to cover it up with something else sometimes but the idea is already there, lodged into the other persons head. And i'm left sitting here, feeling like a fool.

All it takes is those few extra moments or even seconds, to digest what has been said.. and then respond with a well thought out answer. Saving me from this feeling of regret.

Numb.

My heart racing, my tears flowing, and my mind is pounding; with empty thoughts, broken promises and tired emotions. My body has turned numb to the world.

Piece of hope.

Last night i fell asleep to the sound of the rain hitting the roof outside my window. I began to imagine them as millions of tears being shed that night, from teenage girls all over the world because of that one boy that they just can't get off their mind. Whether it have been after a breakup, a fight or maybe cause you just plain miss them... as much as a boy asks a girl not to ever cry over them, we will. A boy once told me that he would never make me cry because he would never hurt me. He kept his end of the bargain by never hurting me... but i cried over him many times, because i hurt for him, and letting go of someone when you know it's for the best even if they still love you... That is harder than any casual, 'we're over.' But the reason why i cried over that boy, was because he was worth it. We are humans, we were mad to cry as a way of expressing ourselves and being able to feel different emotions. Sometimes crying can be a reminder that your still alive in a time when you feel dead.

Just like in a storm, the thunder and darkness sometimes make us feel like there is no end to this dreary day. But as the rain stops, there is a sense of peace that covers the earth. The sun shines brighter and the birds sing louder. This is the same pattern that happens once we have cried a river of tears.


You have a sigh of relief and a piece of hope that fills you once all those tears have been let go. Sometimes it take more than one breakdown to find this hope, but it slowly shines it's way through, the same way the sun peeks through the clouds on a rainy day. Sometimes God will even throw us a rainbow to make us smile... Or maybe that cute boy that just moved in next door :)

Always attract.

if it hurts this much,
then it must be love,
and its a lottery,
i can't wait to draw your name.

oh i'm trying to get to you,
but time isn't on my side,
the truth's the worst i could do,
and i guess that i have lied.

keeping me awake,
it's been like this now for days,
my heart is out at sea,
my head all over the place,
i'm loosing sense of time,
and everything tastes the same,
i'll be home in a day,
i fear thats a month to late.

that night i slept,
on your side of the bed so,
it was ready when you got home,
we're like knots and crosses
in that opposites always attract.

you've taken me to the top,
and let me fall back south
you've had me at the top of the pile,
and then had me kissing the ground
we've heard and seen it all,
no ones talked us out,
the problems that have come
haven't yet torn us down.

Am I keeping you awake,
if i am then just say,
you can make your own decisions;
you can make your own mistakes,
i'll live and let die all the promises you made,
but if you lie another time,
it'll be a lie thats to late.

You always have your way,
for now it to soon for you to say,
we will be always always.
- you me at six.

I have never had my mind feel so full as my heart feels so empty. I sat here staring at my computer screen minute after minute, my mind racing. This is all I came up with.

So now, at 6:56 on a Thursday night, I am going to go to sleep. Because the only way to drown out these voices in my head, is to escape to a place where dreams take over reality, and you dont have control of your thoughts anymore.

I'll be missing you, will you miss me too?

I love him. Enough to let him go.

But knowing he still loves me…

makes letting go a whole lot harder.

Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

i have a friend who is really struggling with her relationship right now. she says that her and her boyfriend always seem to argue over the stupidest things. he never wants to talk about it and never apologizes. when she asks him to just sit and work through it, he tells her to get out of his face. but she tells me when the good times are there, they are great... and that is most of the time. and i believe her. but as i looked at her and said, 'but shouldnt the bad times still be the good times?' she paused for a moment and i explained further what i meant. you argue, you yell, and you cry. but after all that how do you feel? better, the same, or different? she told me she felt the same because nothing was ever getting resolved, she would just end up apologizing just to make him happy. the rough times in relationships are the times where you are tested. tested to see how much you care for the other person, care enough to hear their different opinions. fighting in relationships are stepping stones to lessons learned. im not saying that in every relationship you have to fight in order to succeed, but it can always have the effect of bringing you closer to the other person.

Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin, I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.

it came down to the fact that she couldnt picture herself happy without him in her life. she has lost her ability to be independent, not doing the things she loved to do on her own anymore. i can see as she slowly tries to gain that independence back and fight the struggle. she fights back those tears, and tries to not let here fears show. she doesnt want to be alone. its the last thing she wants, more people to walk out of her life. but what happens now, if those bitter moments, and those stupid fights escalade into something more. something more hurtful. something that could tear her world a part. will she know how to fight back? and gain back the person who she has lost. herself. i fear that she wont know how. she will panic, break down, cry, scream, live amongst a cold silence with blanks thoughts. but i will be there. holding her and saying it will be alright. day or night. rain or snow. because i know it will. i know the strong, independent woman inside of her. the woman who has fought with me in my battles. and taught me to never give up. now it is my turn to fight for her. cause no one ever said life would be easy, we cant live this life on our own.

Yesterday, he said, my eyes were fading fast away i said, well what do you expect? you asked me not to stay. and if it had all been for the best, i wouldn't feel this way. you know it hurts me, cause i don't wanna fight this war.

Suitcase.

What do you do when your biggest question in life is,
... where do i go next?

Do you walk into an airport with your life packed in a suitcase, and pick whichever flight is leaving next? We all crave adventure in our life. Moments where we have no idea what will happen next but we get a high off of the idea of being totally vulnerable to what fate might have in store for us. Yet how often do we actually take that chance to live off of nothing but the clothes on our back and travel to see the places and do the things we always dream of doing. Hardly ever. Today we live in a society that starts out early telling children at young ages, to think about what they want to be when they grow up. In high school, we are told that grades and deciding which post secondary you are going to, is the most important thing for you to think about right now in your life. But what if all you want to do is graduate and get lost? Get lost in life, in people, in yourself.